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Sunday, July 4, 2010

Bad Idea

I lay there, thinking. So much had changed since I had become a vampire. For one, I'd had a daughter. I'd become closer to Edward. I'd also learned now to hunt the way he did, only eating animals.
Edward walked in then, searching for me I'd guess. I glanced up at him as he saw me and walked over, his movement as fast as it had always been, although less blurry through my new, better eyes. He lay down with me on the long, white sofa.
"What are you doing, Bella?" he asked quietly.
"Thinking."
He smiled slightly at some private joke I couldn't fathom. 
"I would love to hear some of that," came his whisper into my ear. He picked up a strand of my hair and began playing with it.
"I'd bet you would." But once I thought about it, he probably wouldn't want to hear a large portion of the thoughts that went through my brain. 
And then the worst idea I could ever have stomped through my mind, leaving destruction in its wake. I sat bolt upright in an instant, my hand reflexively reaching to cover my chest, my breath stopped.
Edward was immediately alarmed by my reaction. 
"What is it, love? What's wrong?" The velvet of his voice was almost lost in anxiety. 
"Oh, nothing," I murmured as my rationalality kicked back in. I made an effort to calm myself.
"What was that? What were you thinking?"
"Nothing, really. Just a stupid idea." 
"Tell me," Edward pleaded.
"No."
There was no way I would tell him the horrid thought that I had just had, but the look in Edward's eyes meant that he was going to make me fess up.
"Bella..."
"No! I don't want you to know. It's really not a good idea."
He pulled me back to him and held my face inches from his. 
"Please, Bella. What are you thinking?"
My willpower was breaking as I knew it would. I sighed, and gave up. He was going to win anyway. 
"I just thought that you wouldn't want to know everything I was thinking, and that it could be possible that one day you might accidentally hear me thinking about... that time... You know, when you left."
Between the close proximity and my acute senses, I could perfectly pick out the emotions that flitted across Edward's face during my hurried explanation. Understanding, regret, and of course, intense pain, though he repressed it. 
"I told you it was a bad idea." 
His face was suddenly as emotionless as a stone. 
"No, actually, I want to hear that," Edward breathed.
"What?" His words made no sense to me. "Why?"
"It would be an interesting experience."
"Edward, no. You don't know what you're getting yourself into."
"Which is exactly why I want to. I never fully understood what you went through, and I feel that I should, since I was the cause."
I sighed. I knew how this scene was about to play out. I was going to refuse, and he would trick me into letting him. 
"Are you sure?" I asked. There was no way I was going to do this if he wasn't positive.
"Completely."
"Well, where do I start?"
"At the beginning. When I left. Don't leave out a thing."
And so I did. I lifted the block off my mind, and forced it to flow through the darkest of the cloudy human memories I still had. I made sure to close my eyes.
I covered everything. The hurt of when he left, the cold that accompanied following him through the forest, the emptiness that followed. I went through my elation when I first heard his voice in my mind, the struggles I went through to hear it again. I went through the horror of knowing he was about to kill himself, and all the hardships that occured trying to save him. He told me not to leave out anything, so I included how I felt when I finally saw him again, touched him, and how it was escaping Volterra. Then I went through the journey home, and just being with him, and finally my ecstacy when he explained to me why he had left in the first place. I made sure to end on a happy note.
Before anything else could happen, I let the elastic of my mind snap back into place, and opened my eyes to look at him. 
I could see Edward was trying to stay calm, but small pockets of emotion came escaped his concentration.
"You were right," he whispered, using great effort to keep the tone light. "That was a bad idea."